She's like a phone book...

she thinks Taco Bell is a restaurant

Got laid on every porch in the neighborhood

you're only using her to get to someone else

she has every record of The Smiths

lived with me for years and never once opened up

I banged her on my desk to get attention

comes back every year saying she's different now

She was torn up when I moved to a new city

knows every Tom, Dick and Harry.

her midsection is where you'll find the McDonalds

she'll never fold.

I use her when I'm looking for a little company

had lawyers on her back

would be way thinner without "Restaurants"

her type is too small for me

good with names, not so great at faces

a different issue every year

I see myself in her

Don't need her since my Outlook's improved

she'll keep your name out of it, for a price

she's slimmed way down and still no one wants her

She's too fat to fit in most normal drawers

she wanted me to call her names

shows up on your doorstep, ends up in your drawers

hangs in phone booths, a few sheets to the wind

personal and business is kept separate

people are just numbers to her

plenty of men but not many Xs

When in China, she's got all the Wong numbers

I can't even remember the last time I touched her

She looks great in address!

has a Hugh Jass

I routinely find her passed out at my front door

Lawyers always have her back

doesn't get enough Zs

I'll just randomly point at her and call her names

I couldnt have given your mom a ring without her

gets less action with each passing year

She taught me how to *69

Can often be found at end of the bar by the nuts

an old-fashioned call girl

I still don't know how she got my unlisted number

last person I saw her with was Zach Zywicki

gets everybody's number, but never calls

well-read but can't produce a coherent sentence

Sometimes she rubs off on you

too many people used her and it tore her up inside

she's got a surprising number of psychiatrists...

spreads wide, but doesnt show any privates

I saw her get thrown out of a moving vehicle

I Yelped after she was gone

Always got somebody between her sheets

found passed out once a year, outside my door

I keep her around 'till the next one comes along

always puts Blacks before Whites

she never gets checked out in the library

i filled out a form to stop her coming to my house

always around but rarely employed

doesn't fit into my mobile lifestyle