If your refrigerator could talk...

Stop staring at my rack.

Say, remember that time you cleaned me out? Me neither.

Ever heard of knocking?

Still nothing. Go shopping.

Ever heard of a vegetable?

Want to play "hide the salami"?

Do the lights turn off out there when you shut the door?

Hey the ovens hot as hell, you think she likes me?

Are you ever going to cook this salmon? I'm starting to smell like an overworked hooker.

This baking soda is killing my sense of smell

Oh no, not another jar of mustard, we already have three.

Don't lie to me, I saw that appliance dolly go by. How much time do I have left?

I'm not exactly comfortable with you seeing what's in my drawers

Don't make me lose my cool!

it's almost february, throw out the thanksgiving turkey already

You may not watch what you eat, but I do. And frankly, it's disgusting.

Stick it in, pull it out, stick it in, pull it out, is that all I'm good for? Why don't we talk? Why don't we ever go out for dinner.

How would you like it if I opened you up and stuck my hand inside you at 3 o'clock in the morning!?

I have a yucky in my drawers

it's not polite to stare..

An apple, a stick of butter and a jar of pickles go into a bar...

shouldn't you be in bed?

Woah, look at your nipples!

I get the whole standing in front of me thing, but do you really have to stand in front of me NAKED?

Would you please get that "ART" off my door

Another take out box? I deserve better than this.

She'd be a lot better off if I were a mirror instead.

you do realize that beer is not one of the food groups, right?

What do you think your wife would say if she knew you visited me every night?

Yeah, my contents didn't change in the last three minutes, but good try, Houdini.

Do I feel warm to you ?

Do I look like a science project to you?

You need to break the ice

Do you spoil your kids like you spoil your milk?

At least I light up when I see YOU.

Is it blowing your mind right now that your frickin' refrigerator is talking? I mean, I'm a refrigerator!

These eggs aren't going to stay good forever!!

I told you you should have gotten the warranty.

This white trash box o' wine is taking up some prime real estate

Oh my goodness, you're going to put all that inside me? How's it going to fit? Be gentle.

Hey go to the store I feel empty inside

How can I miss you when you won't go away?

Please leave the light on. I'm terribly afraid of the dark

Get out! And stay out!

"Look, I grew my own penicillin"

You could make a fortune selling penicillin if you emptied the cheese bin.

Oink, oink, oink, oink

I'm a lot cooler than you'll ever be

I heard you talking about replacing me with a newer model! Don't think I will settle for being the spare in the garage. I will quit. I mean it.

Who moved my cheese?

Zuuuuul

I love it when you pack me full of meat, too bad your wife doesn't!

Can we take the summer camp drawings down now? All the kids are in college.

hey kid, shut the door, I'm not an air conditioner you know!

I peed on the floor again!

What are you looking at?

Oh it's you! What a surprise, it had been 15 a loooooong minutes since you were last peeking in.

"is it cool in here, or is it just me?"

"I'm stuffed"

Can I stop running? I'm tired already.

Get these magnets off my forehead.

If you ask me, your wife needs cooking lessons!

Why don't you just save yourself the trouble and stick it on your thighs?

I thought you gave up ice cream?

Tell little Timmy that I've got everything he needs for his science project right here.

Where's the beef?

"Just a word of advice if you think you've lost something...look under me...the cats have been playing lots of cat hockey lately."

close the door and turn out the lights

I have frostbite

Close the door, my ice is melting

I'm not getting smaller, you're just getting bigger.

You know the chow mein you put in me last year? It's now a civilization, and you're its god. Mazel tov.

If you are going to keep the magnetic alphabet on my door, at the very least turn them upright and let them spell nice words.

Change that insipid poem, you're embarrassing yourself.

Could you turn the heat down out there? I'm tired of working so hard.

You look so beautiful standing there with that bit of grease on your chin. Is that leftover fried chicken for me my little turtledove?

I'm the only one who understands you and your 'big bones'.