My children are going to be the death of me, unless...

my husband beats them to it.

I can persuade them to turn on each other instead ...

They continue to pay for my prescriptions

I start taking notes from Flowers in the Attic

I squander their inheiritance now

they continue to amaze me and make me laugh

I continue smoking

I kill them first

Nope, that's pretty much right. There is no 'unless'.

I move with no forwarding address

They drink the KoolAid first

I stop getting pregnant

I trade them for whisky

You let them play in traffic.

the Rapture occurs first

they get married soon

the arsenic in their oatmeal takes effect soon

I actually invoke the "I brought you into this world and can take you out!" rule

I ship them off to live with their grandparents.

I don't have children

one of them is my match for a bone marrow donor

I put them up for adoption

They win lotto

they get jobs

I cancel my $1,000,000 life insurance policy

I send them to visit their Grandparents for the summer

I live on Mars during their teen years

My husband kills me first

I take away their weapons

I send them to military school

I teach them well and don't put up with any nonsense

I share my medical marijuana.

I let them kill each other first

I take a chill pill

Santa shows up soon!

I turn into the Borg and assimilate them

some damn texter-driver lays me out

the consequences of their behavior hit them like a ton of bricks

We avoid the whole Oedipius complex altogether.

they stop hanging out with the Menendez brothers

I give them to the state and move to Maui

I'm Casey Anthony

I get back my sense of humor

they continue to eat their Father's cooking.

Hide in this closet and stay real quiet until they leave

I'm on the pill

they turn into the Children of the Sweet Corn

I shave off their MULLETS

I don't have any.

I send them off to work in the coal mines

I out live them for spite.

they're operated by remote control

I am the Grim Reaper

They're doctors.

I kick them out of my will.

I bring them on the Jerry Springer show and let them fight to the death

they agree to give me a kidney

I start exercising some tough love policies

They already know they're taken out of the will

I quit playing OUM

I get them first.

my wife kills me

I end up with Dr. Conrad Murray

I can hide all my horcruxes in their homework bookbags

death itself comes for me first

They drag me out of a burning building

aahh hell, I'm not kidding myself, they'll kill me

ruining my metal health satisfies them and they back off

I harvest their organs.

They win the lottery

I freeze myself now.

I'm able to turn them against their mother instead.

the booze and cigarettes get me first

Your worth more alive than dead

they mature.

their children will

I had that abortion when I was 17!

I do something to stop them

the condoms hold

they only get an allowance and no inheritance.

they lose my advanced directive

the US deems me a threat...then I just become one of the living dead!

they finally move out for good

being pecked to death by a duck is not effective.

I pay them off

they die first

I lose all my money first

it's all those cigarettes I smoke

they are miracle workers